In every relationship, there are situations in which
you feel disappointed or frustrated with another person. You may get
increasingly resentful until you lash out or you may be able to avoid conflict
by purposely letting go of your feelings. Either way, these methods will not help you achieve your goal - meeting your needs and enhancing your relationship.
What is the ideal approach? Expressing what’s bothering you in an assertive way.
What is the ideal approach? Expressing what’s bothering you in an assertive way.
- telling the person how you feel
- helping the person understand you better
- giving the person a chance to meet your needs
There are three parts to developing an assertive statement:
- Your perspective/perception of the situation
- Your feelings about the situation
- Your wants regarding the situation/outcome
For example, if your partner or friend repeatedly texts you during
the day when you would like to focus on your work or at night when you want to
relax – rather than letting your frustration fester inside you…
Choose a calm time to speak to him/her and say:
“When you text me I feel happy that you are thinking
of me and I appreciate hearing from you. At the same time, I feel a
tension when you text me during the day because I really need to focus
on my work. I would appreciate
if you would text me only once in the morning and once during lunchtime, unless you
need to tell me something urgent.”
When you use these kind of “I” statements that describe how
you feel you help your partner gain insight into your needs and expectations.
On the other hand, “you” statements often criticize and lay blame on the other
person – and lead to defensiveness and negative outcomes.
Remember to use “I” statements:
- “I feel …” (describe your feelings about the situation)
- “I need ….” (describe your needs that you want to be met)
- “I would appreciate …” (describe your expectation about how to meet your needs)
Use this strategy to communicate assertively in a respectful and calm manner the next time something bothers you in a relationship. Let us know how it enhances your relationship!
2 comments:
I tried this tip when I had to speak with my boyfriend about wanting our dates to be longer. Although I was afraid that he would be insulted, he was actually happy that I told him how I felt and things are much better now.
Thinking about this strategy made me more mindful when I felt a need to respond to my dad about something I did that upset him. I think it made him feel less attacked, and I didn't feel as overwhelmed as I sometimes do when people are upset with me. Thanks!
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